Nine Words Women Use…

These are the nine words that a Woman would use often and the inherent meaning of all of these.

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8. Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying Get Lost you Idiot!
9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

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A Special Dinner

Once a hunter went to a forest and killed a deer and brought it home to cook for dinner.

At the dining table when the cooked deer was served the sons asked him, what the animal was. As a response the father said, “I would ask you a riddle. Answer it and you will get the name of the animal”.

The sons agreed.

So the father said, “The name of the animal is a term that you mother uses to call me”.

Suddenly the elder son jumped from his chair and screamed at the younger one, “Bro, don’t eat this flesh. He has cooked a dog”.

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Never lie to your wife

- A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up” “Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?”
The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box…..”

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The Motherly feeling

Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found
a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing
white robe.

“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Colin, “and what are you doing in my
bedroom?”.

The mysterious Man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St
Peter”.

Colin was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much
to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family….you’ve got to send
me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”

Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was
covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “So you’re the new hen,
How are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s
not so bad” replies Colin, “but I have this strange feeling
Inside like I’m about to explode”.

“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never
laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Colin “Well just relax and let it
happen”

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him…ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting -

“Colin, wake up you drunken idiot, you’re sh*tting in the bed”

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Potentiality vs Reality

Youngest Son: “Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between “Potentiality” and “Reality”?”

Dad: “I will show you”

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars”?

Wife: “Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity”…

Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?

Daughter:” Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!”

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: “Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars”?

Elder Son: “Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!”

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: “You see son, “Potentially” we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in “Reality” we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

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Phone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting…

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: I know I am the one to be blamed but what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

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Newly wed girl

A newlywed girl was being welcomed at the husband’s home in a traditional manner.

She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:

“My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family”, she said. “I would not want to create any inconvenience with my presence. I mean that I don’t want you all to change your way of life, your routine.”

“What do you mean my child?” asked the Head of the family.

“What I mean Dad is:

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn’t stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.

As for me, I am here just to entertain your son!”

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