Troubleshooting Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 : )
Dear Tech Support team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!

Thanks,
“A Troubled User”

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REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed
not to allow this.

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, weep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install GoodLookingSecretary 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

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The Washer man and the Foolish Donkey

Have you heard the story of ” The Washer man and the Foolish Donkey” ?

To refresh your memory, and for the benefit of those who have not grown up listening to this moral story, it goes like this…

There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog. One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake. The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson. The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn’t bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly. Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.

Moral of the story ” One must not engage in duties other than his own”

Now take a new look at the same story…

The washer man () was a well educated man from a premier management institute. He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night. He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it. Looking at the donkey’s extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet. The dog’s life didn’t change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dogs duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed a ” meets requirement” . Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around. The donkey was rated as ” star performer”. The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a job rotation…

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Neighbourhood Emails

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Troubleshooting the ignorant way

A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What’s the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: (keep quite)

Tech: You’ll need a ne! w power supply.

User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to  change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech support::(hush hush)

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User : It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User : MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech : That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User : I need a new power supply.

Tech support : Ho! w did yo u come to that conclusion?

Tech support : (hush hush)

User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.

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A tech savy Customer

This is an excerpt of the conversation between a tech support guy and a customer.

Tech Support : “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer : “Ok.”
Tech Support : “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer : “No.”
Tech Support : “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer : “No.”
Tech Support : “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer : “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

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Tragedy in the lift

Our office was a five storey building with an express lift in it. I would often find myself running for the lift because the doors would just be closing as I approach it. I would normally run in and put my foot forward to prevent the doors from closing. My office was on the 5th floor and I parked my car in the 3rd basement. So it meant that I had to travel about 8 floors to reach my office on the 5th floor and waiting for the lift if I miss one is a pain, more so if the other lift is broke down.

That Tuesday was like normal and as I parked my car and moved to the lift I found the door closing. So i ran hard to reach the lift and the doors were almost closed. I saw that the other lift was down for maintenance and knew my last resort was to do what I was good at – showing my foot into the gap of the door.

I did it and the door stopped and gradually opened. As the door opened I found there were 2 passengers in the lift – my Operations Manager(my BOSS) and the AVP-Operations (his BOSS). They gave me a grim look as if asking what was I doing being in such a responsible position.

They got down at the 1st floor but couldn’t stop turning and giving me a sarcastic last look. As the door of the lift closed and it moved I felt that the express lift was a local train. Those 4 floors were the longest I had ever travelled.

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